What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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