there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
