its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
