I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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