You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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