I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
