Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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