i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
