you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Are we still banned from the library?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
