I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
