The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
