chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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