did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
