I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
