my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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