What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
