I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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