and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
