Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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