So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
