my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There r osticjed everywhere
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
