I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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