my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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