i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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