I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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