I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
