it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
