Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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