I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
