They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
