Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
