So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
