why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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