look no pants
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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