i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
