I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
