Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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