dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
