if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
