You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
