Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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