i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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