I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
