my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
