I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Randomize
