Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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