I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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