I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
