At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
