It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
