so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
